I am really really tired. The last few weeks have been tough. There have been some deaths that hit me harder than I thought. I don't deal well with death so I tend to glaze over it and then I suddenly become very sad a week later. But then Charlie got slapped cheek virus which was very apt timing. So I have been tired and feeling emotionally miserable for the last week. With children this is really hard as your feelings have to take a bit of a step back. The problem with this for someone like me is I have OCD which developed after my second child. I have alway's been quite tidy but after Charlie was born it felt so overwhelming and I haven't been able to stop thinking about anything and everything. There is no shut off light. So with all these feelings, no sleep at night from a poorly boy and dealing with the emotions of death it can all become quite strangling.
I have a tic when I'm stressed that no one picked up on when I was younger. I used to strain my neck a lot and it would bring on headaches but as time went on this stopped. The last few months it's my forehead. I lift up my brows and it is a really repetitive motion when I can really feel my OCD raging inside me. Today for example I am still tired so it is on overdrive and I really just want to rearrange the whole of upstairs. Isn't that ridiculous? I could just take the kids swimming or to the farm but my head and my body just can't. So I am going to have to do it for the sake of myself and for the sake of them.
This is why I am drained and writing a very honest post. Not a post pointing out why life is amazing but a post about why I am still real, still allowed to feel this way but still going to be able to deal with it and move on. Because feeling rubbish is real and normal. But being able to let it out, understand it and deal with the emotions is the tough part and we all do it differently.
I let it out.
It's my breath.
I can move on.