I am really really tired. The last few weeks have been tough. There have been some deaths that hit me harder than I thought. I don't deal well with death so I tend to glaze over it and then I suddenly become very sad a week later. But then Charlie got slapped cheek virus which was very apt timing. So I have been tired and feeling emotionally miserable for the last week. With children this is really hard as your feelings have to take a bit of a step back. The problem with this for someone like me is I have OCD which developed after my second child. I have alway's been quite tidy but after Charlie was born it felt so overwhelming and I haven't been able to stop thinking about anything and everything. There is no shut off light. So with all these feelings, no sleep at night from a poorly boy and dealing with the emotions of death it can all become quite strangling.
I have a tic when I'm stressed that no one picked up on when I was younger. I used to strain my neck a lot and it would bring on headaches but as time went on this stopped. The last few months it's my forehead. I lift up my brows and it is a really repetitive motion when I can really feel my OCD raging inside me. Today for example I am still tired so it is on overdrive and I really just want to rearrange the whole of upstairs. Isn't that ridiculous? I could just take the kids swimming or to the farm but my head and my body just can't. So I am going to have to do it for the sake of myself and for the sake of them.
This is why I am drained and writing a very honest post. Not a post pointing out why life is amazing but a post about why I am still real, still allowed to feel this way but still going to be able to deal with it and move on. Because feeling rubbish is real and normal. But being able to let it out, understand it and deal with the emotions is the tough part and we all do it differently.
I let it out.
It's my breath.
I can move on.
This is our youngest boy Charlie. He has had a really harsh winter and now spring of constant illnesses but this is what happens when you have a brother who is at preschool. I feel for him as he had surgery in November 2017 which knocked his immune system for a few months and he has been plagued with some sort of virus ever since.
I would say the hardest thing about being a parent is when your kids are sick. It stops you in your tracks, your heart becomes flooded with emotions, they rely on you completely for the next 48 hours at least and you have to somehow manage to carry on with everything in life whilst having a little person attached to you. Don't even get me started on when both children are sick! That is just a ship yourself off to grandparents if you can day.
But one thing I do realise when my boys are ill is that they are such troopers. We as adults tend to complain and roll into bed for a few days and feel the world has ended. But kids are so resilient. They still want to explore and play. They still want to giggle. They still want to live life. They may have fevers which means TV bound but once they come out of it they suddenly grab that scuttlebug and zoom around the house until they bring on another fever. Their little bodies still somehow manage to keep the fun going. It doesn't just stop, which I absolutely adore.
So I am taking a page out of their books this week and I have been trying to bring the fun back into life. I work really hard as that's what I love to do. Without it I would be very lost I realised quite recently. I listened to Fearne Cotton's podcast with Gok Wan recently and I completely resonated with it. They work hard because it is their life. They love it, they want to immerse themselves in it and it keeps them sane. Bang on! For me it can consume me and it has been so I am taking that fun page and I have started taking snippets where I just relax, laugh and enjoy life. Because that's what life is about. Why live and not enjoy?
Looking through the eyes of a child can be so healing and reflective x
I am currently really tired from being woken up at 4.45am by my youngest because he wanted to watch TV. But both my boys are asleep and should wake soon so I wanted to take this time to write as my OCD goes into overdrive when I'm tired.
The other day I posted about birth and had written that I had two natural births. By this I meant vaginal, but that's not something everyone wants to read, and in the birthing world the word 'natural' is used for this. This really hit a friend's heart as she felt really let down by that word as why should her caesareans not be natural? I totally totally agree. I have alway's had a problem with the term natural birth. Everyone wants one. Not everyone will get one. Is that so wrong? The whole point of doing birth preparation classes and hypnobirthing is to prepare you to become a master in relaxation and to use those tools to have coping strategies and a positive and empowering outlook for birth. Not to plan to have a particular birth that is 100% going to go your dreamt up way. We have no way in knowing how that day, or few days, is going to go. We should not plan. We should have a preference!
So I changed my post and instead decided to just put their weights. What I was originally trying to do was highlight that big babies can indeed be born vaginally which seems on the contrary to many doctors. But the fact the term 'natural' on my post could make another mum feel like a failure really hit me. That is the opposite of my goal in life. Especially as an empath I feel everything and I have problems letting emotions float away. So I want to highlight that a 'natural' birth does not mean what you think it means. It simply means 'vaginal' and we should say that...VAGINAL..!All births are so beautiful but it's how you feel about it after that's important. No matter what course it takes if you feel positive, empowered, listened to, respected, heard and happy then you rocked that birth.
Let's celebrate all births for the beauty that they are.
This is Charlie. You wouldn't look at him and think "Wow he is massive!" But he was. He is our second and he was born naturally, with no drugs, me standing and squatting at 10.10lbs. I couldn't believe it, daddy couldn't believe it and the midwife could not believe it. I was induced with Charlie as he just wasn't budging and I was okay with it. When labour finally started it only took four hours. I started out on the ward then suddenly the surges hit me like BAM. Out of nowhere and a midwife ran in and said "Do you need gas and air love" to which I replied " YES HURRY". You see I love gas and air I will not hide that fact! It has got me through both my labours so it is my dream pain reliever.
Once I was in established labour I couldn't think properly and my husband couldn't find the Wise Hippo MP3's on my phone of course. But then Tamara, my doula, turned up and the music came on. I can not describe how different the room looked. I went quiet, I started swaying and I needed my husband to hold me even just a gentle touch with his hand the entire time. The minute he let go I felt pain flood through me. How incredible! I still look back on it and can't quite understand how this hypnobirthing malarky works but it is THE single handedly best thing I ever did before the birth of my boys.
So why a relax, breathe and birth session?
If you are unsure about doing the whole course, maybe lack the funds, lack the time or just want to have some ME time that you deserve this is the class for you. I did the full hypnobirthing courses with my births as it was right for me (much to the dismay of my hubby) but if I have another I might only do this one off class so I can refocus my mind about how natural, positive and beautiful birth is and can be. You get to fully focus on you and baby for two and a half hours where we will talk about fear release, birthing your baby and birth planning, relaxation and breathing tools for birth and for life and of course do some wonderful scripts followed by obligatory tea and cake.
Remember it is about the right birth on the day not about having the picture perfect water birth walk straight out and home type of birth we fantasise about. It is about feeling empowered, listened to and positive about how your birth turns out.
I had the right births for me...so can you x